Hail Of A Day

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Flickr Photo Download: that’s gonna be hurt

A friend posted this product she found on www.etsy.com on her blog.  Handsoap.  Get it? Huh, huh?  There are two kinds of people in this world…1) Those who find this cute 2) Those who find this creepy.  The line in the sand compliments of the movie “Chucky”.

Etsy :: foliage :: handsoap set

This is just hilarious. All online sources say that it’s legit.

This is one of the funniest photos I’ve ever seen.  It’s the profile pic of a friend of a friend on Facebook.  I wrote her and told her, “I don’t know you, but that’s the best facebook profile picture, ever.”

She wrote back, “It’s the best picture that exists. It’s an anteater, but for a reason I’m not sure of, it is standing on it’s back legs and standing in front of what appears to be a curtain….as if he’s on stage. It’s strange, but it makes me laugh a lot. It looks a bit like he’s doing a modified “heisman” — which I decided is appropriate for facebook!”

She said to another guy about the photo…

“i always interpreted his expression as “you’ve caught me without my hat and cane, please excuse me” — at which point he scurries behind the curtain…but your take on it makes it perfectly apropos for my profile pic (i mean, if you take his hand to mean the trendy-figurative use of the “heisman”). ah, love a new perspective, thanks!”

PLEASE SUBMIT YOUR CAPTIONS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.  The winner will receive an anteater pelt.

This morning I was awakened to my wife, who was laughing but concerned at the same time. It was barely after 7am so the sun was up, bust just barrrrrrellly. She said, “you have to come see this.”

”See what?”

“The paper guy is asleep in his pickup truck in the middle of the road”.

It took me a moment to digest this. The first thought that popped into my head was, Are you sure he’s not dead?

“Are you sure he’s not dead???”

“Yeah, I checked to see if he was breathing.”

Then I started thinking about his route. Aren’t they usually done delivering papers by 6am.

So my wife began to go into greater detail about her efforts to wake him up. She said she tried honking his horn, shaking him, yelling at him. Nothing worked. I couldn’t believe it. I kept thinking I was going to go out and find a dead old guy slumped over at the wheel.

I threw on some clothes and headed outside, but first I grabbed the camera as I knew that it was good material, if it was true. As I turned the corner and entered the sidewalk, I got a view of the paper “boy” over at his pickup truck. It was definitely a younger man, he was definitely asleep/dead, and the bed of his truck was ripe unto harvest with undelivered papers.

Both of his windows were down and he had some sort of peppy music playing, (somewhere in between “Walking on sunshine” and “Welcome to the jungle”) but a lot of good it was doing. As I stuck my head through the window, I was blasted by a wall of heat. Have you heard that it’s easier to get sleepy when it’s warm?

I grabbed a huge flashlight that he had in the passenger’s seat and flipped it on. It might as well have been the Bat Signal, or one of those spotlights that you see at movie premiers that slice the sky up with a light beam, in a haphazard fashion. You can’t even imagine how powerful this kid’s flashlight was. As I was pelting his head with a hundred thousand megawatts of light, I expected him to at least flinch. Out of my fear of melting his skin, I turned off the flashlight.

I decided that since my yelling and light torture weren’t doing the trick, I had to go with old faithful… shake him like Roseanne Barr trying to get the last M&M out of a wrapper.

That did the trick. The combination of a strange man yelling and violently shaking you, I guess, is enough of an incentive to wake up. He came to and had a horrified, “where am I” look”. I started saying things like, “you’re in the middle of the road…you fell asleep…you didn’t deliver your papers”.

He wasn’t getting it. The poor kid had a huge stream of drool snaking down his face all the way to his shirt. As he started to get bearings on where he was an what century this is, I went around back and grabbed a paper. As I was heading back inside, I finally saw his truck creeping down the street. You could almost tell by the way he was driving his truck that he was trying to do the mental math on whether or not he could deliver 400 papers in 15 minutes.

I have a feeling this kid won’t be on the route next week.

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I’ve been a bit busy recently so I haven’t been able to blog, but I’m back and ready to get the wheels turning again. To start things off, I would like to suggest a wonderful anecdote about a dog doing something crazy. Animal stories are a favorite here at Hailofaday, but management (my wife) has restricted me to no more than one (a day) so here it is for today.

Rattling labrador dog ate 13 golf balls - Telegraph

In preparation for my return leg from a trip to Washington DC, I had to spin the wheel and see what type of airport security prize I would win. Sometimes it’s the beady-eyed ID checker that scrutinizes and grunts orders at you. My favorite technique they employ is when they scream over the top of your head, “FOLKS, HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASSES AND ID’S OUT AND READY”, unlike this idiot right here in front of me. This, of course, is their way of publicly scolding you for not being prepared, while simultaneously having the right to scream at you and appear to be doing a great public service for your fellow passengers.

Then there’s the one that I get quite often…

Airport Security: Here’s an Arab-looking guy, and here’s a pasty, blonde guy from the midwest. I’ll do a Sector 7 deep security scan on the farmboy so as to appear that we’re not racially profiling.

Just call me the great equalizer of justice.

Next is the one that happened to me today. It’s called “The Phantom Alarm”. I had taken off everything but my belt, which had a microscopic amount of metal on it and never sets off the security alarm. See, no matter how many times I’ve had to take off my belt in the past it’s always a little uncomfortable. People fundamentally have an emotional reaction to seeing someone take off a belt. Either it means you’re about to get romantic or you remind them of their dad about to whoop their hiney. That’s why I always feel a bit awkward during this activity.

So I went through security with my belt on and it went off. Begrudgingly, I stepped back, and violated myself and others behind me by unsheathing my belt with a quick Indiana Jones snapping motion. I’m pretty sure the small Asian woman in line behind me didn’t appreciate my flourish as I nearly popped her in the eye. So, this time I approached the detector with full confidence that I would not set off anything, as I had nothing left of metal on my entire body.

BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGG

I said, “You gotta be kidding, I don’t have a metal plate in my head”. My parents swore to me that it was plastic, from when they dropped me on my head. (Just kidding, mom…..I know it’s a better material than plastic). The security guard just said, “Sir, please empty your pockets and step back through.”

I patted myself down and all I had in my pocket was a peppermint and my driver’s license. I looked at the agent and dejectedly shrugged. In the meantime, a metal-clad parade of people led by Mr. T walked through the detector without sounding a peep. Hopelessly, I put the mint and license in the bowl and went back through….

SILENCE

I couldn’t believe it. I thought of several lines I could say to the security guard like, “Wand me down captain, I’ve got candy pants.” or “My breath is so stanky I need titanium reinforced peppermints.” But I just walked on and am still in disbelief as to why that worked.

I still have the suspect mint in my pants. My mouth has a little of the post-nap swamp taste but I dare not put it in my mouth. I intend to send it to Stanford’s Science Department to discover this new alien technology that has the appearance of candy and metallurgical composite of steel.

I’ve got a name for it….Peppermetal!

This couple built an apartment in a storage area of a mall and secretly lived there for years.  Impressive, and strangely reminiscent of one of my favorite movies of all time, Mannequin.  Click on the link at the bottom to real the REAL story.

The couple who lived in a mall | Salon Life