Hail Of A Day

What is the worst sit-down restaurant chain in America? This is completely subjective and personalized to each reader, but I am more than happy to put forth my own list. I was inspired to create this list based on the fact I visited one of them tonight:

5) Olive Garden - I’m so beat down by the tagline, “When you’re here, you’re family.” Really? Why do I have to pay the bill then? And my brother is not usually as openly hostile as the waiter when I ask for more breadsticks at the table. The food is quickly turning into the “Golden Corral” of the italian cuisine world.

4) Any national bbq chain - Dickey’s, Spring Creek BBQ, etc. They are all the same. Step right up to your dry meat, processed mac n’ cheese, pickle bar, and then wash it all down with the ubiquitous soft-serve ice cream machine. It seems like you just have to go to a hole in the wall to get good bbq. It must not lend itself well to franchising. I want an old, weathered guy with a huge knife barking orders at me, whose name is something like Slappy or Sonny, and he’s eying me suspiciously cause he thinks I’m there to steal his secret sauce recipe. Put on the bib, cause you know it’s gonna be good.

3) Luby’s - Why are cafeterias in existence past 12th grade? This has to have something to do with the circle of life, because the prime demographic is 70+. The food is intentionally bland. Yes, intentionally. That’s what someone told me once. “Older people can’t handle flavor,” they said. Not spice, flavor. Rule of thumb: if they serve liver and onions, go next door. And you can’t believe how expensive this place is. I have to admit, I get a little greedy when I see all these self-serve bins with various sides and meats. It’s like asking a hyena to use discretion and work on just the calf muscle of the antelope. So by the time you get to the end of the line, your bill is north of $18. And by the time you sit down to eat your instant mashed potatoes, they gravy has crystallized into a hard exoskeleton, impenetrable with a hacksaw.

2) T.G.I.Friday’s - Pound for pound this is the most expensive place on the list. They win the award for “Most Promising Menu - worst payoff”. You overlook the $12.95 price tag for buffalo wings appetizer and $19.95 for Captain Jack glazed honey bourbon chicken poppers, because you’re thinking, “man, this sounds great”. It ALWAYS underdelivers. And this is one of those places that you go to 20 or 30 times and hate every experience before you realize you’ve been duped for the last time. It’s because of the afore-mentioned menu and the clever logo and happy-go-lucky atmosphere.

1) Red Lobster - Hands-down the winner. If I had any kind of actual way of quantifying this, it would probably double everything else on this list on the stink-meter. Where to begin…This was the first job I had out of high-school. It was so emotionally traumatizing, I still haven’t recovered. It all starts with the corporate mothership. Behind the scenes, this place takes every conceivable shortcut to save money. I saw a guy nearly get fired because he used tongs instead of a 2 oz. spoon to put cabbage on a salad, thus violating the corporate mandate. The reason? They figured out that they could save x number of dollars a year because the servers would use more caution when putting it on the salad, consequently not having wasted cabbage on the counter. I am not kidding about this. The fish is the sea-equivalent of horsemeat. And the clientele? Holy cow! My friend that worked there for a season said that her personal horror was the annual all-you-can-eat shrimp fest. Morbidly obese people would come in and put away a couple hundred shrimp and then drink the drawn butter for dessert at the end. Again, I’m not kidding.

So that’s my personal list. Have I left any off?

Tags: redlobster, luby’s, restaurant